god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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