just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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