is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
