Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
pop tarts are not kleenex
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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