From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
