I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
