Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
