i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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