would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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