the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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