I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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