i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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