I swear she didn't look like that last week.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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