i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
