The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this will be a night to untag.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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