Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
