I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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