i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Drake has all the answers
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
