Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
