OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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