You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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