Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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