remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
