you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
