i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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