she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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