omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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