Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
