This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
