I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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