He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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