When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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