Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
