Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
