He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
