My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
