My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am puke
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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