put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
