The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
