So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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