the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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