I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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