My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
