Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
