its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
