I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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