my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
