my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
