i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
