Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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